Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Top 25 Tweets from Twitter

At the end of my "Are You on Twitter?" blog, (I strongly suggest you read first if you're not familiar with Twitter), I promised you a follow up post. And for your eyes only, here are 25 of my favorite to date tweets from Twitter:

Note: An appreciation of quick wit or off-color humor is required to enjoy. With the exception of those tweets that have been italicized, they are all mine, oh mine!

1. Dear humane society: I would like to trade in my smart ass kid for a puppy. Thank you.

2. Unique & Useless Laws: "In TX, an anti-crime law requires criminals 2 give their victims 24 hrs notice; orally, or in writing & explain nature of the crime 2 be committed."

3. Caught puppy eating wild bunny shit outback. Next time someone says, "Dogs are very clean animals," I'll head butt him/her in the brain!

4. Stains in the toilet. Farting under covers. Garlicky morning breath. Skid marked underwear lying around. Can marriage get any better?

5. My neighbor has been jailed for attempted murder. What sort of intolerant society do we live in? Now we imprison people for failure.

6. Y didn't U reply 2 my "May I give U a RING" email? I ask. "I thought U were going 2 ask me 2 marry U." Stupid woman, I meant a phone call.

7. Dear Jenny Craig: Since we parted ways, you’ve been more than generous at returning all my “lost pounds.” May I have my money back too?

8. A 40 mph wind shattered my patio table. No worries. But somehow, having to clean up a mess I didn't make does not seem fair.

9. I love the innocence and naivety of kids. Mine really don’tbelieve I’ll sell them if I get a good price.

10. My 7yr-old asks 4 breakfast. I offer the usual. “I’m tired of oatmeal, waffles, pancakes & cereal.” She shrieks. “I want some cookie dough!

11. Bubble bath? Check. Baby lotion/powder? Check. My groove on? Check. Then he says, “Babe, U smell like a diaper.” Kill him now, or later?

12. Today I was called an intellectual dwarf. But I'm not that clever or that short.

13. “Necessity is the mother of invention” means? I ask my 9yr-old. “Invent a new mother if yrs doesn’t work.” Yep. She’s still pissed at me.

14. If the dog next door starts howling again tonight, I am going to join in.

15. Dear Katy Perry: As we watch U perform live on American Idol, my 9-yr-old shrieks, "Holy crap! She needs a replacement." I seriously agree!

16. Nature wants me to visit bathroom. Addiction wants me to smoke. Kids want me to drive. Wife wants me to fix boiler. I want to run away.

17. $350 down the pipe 4 a testosterone test. Prognosis? Lose the belly fat that’s crushing the testicles. Could have told him that 4 free!

18. So Obamas dog is a Kennedy. Does every single member of that family wanna be in politics?

19. Dear Maam: Yr “Missing child” flyer caught my eye. Hate 2 screw U up any further, but there’s a freaking difference btw a poodle & a child.

20. David Carradine of "Kung Fu," found dead in a hotel rm. closet with a rope tied to his neck & genitals? Ouch! What a painful way to go!

21. I like to hide cookies in the oven. Last place the kids will look for that Tupperware. And then, the unmistakable whiff of burning rubber!

22. Why isn’t my doctor as freaking brilliant and rude as House?

23. As we're watching "Thriller" on VH1, my 7-yr-old asks, "Who's that guy in red?" I tell her. "Mom," she says, "Michael Jackson is white."

24. Dear Suchita: Would You please punch Mark in the face every time he smacks his lips while delivering the morning news? I owe you one!

25. Most of your tweets are funny. The last one was dumb. I rate it 30. It doesn't have a beat & U can't dance 2 it.

If you’d like to see more of my tweets, please follow me uniben82 on twitter!

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